Bittersweet Rage
by Queen of the Jungle
Summary: this fic was written when I was 14 and an angsty teenager. you have been warned.


**_*Queenie* _It is I, the one fic wonder, Here is a short, bittersweet piece. I hope it makes you think.  **

As I stand up here, I am sobbing. My life feels like it is over, and it is. It had never begun, really. I never had a life, life had me. But now, I feel like this is the last straw, the one that breaks the camel's back. 

The man I love does not love me, or is too stupid to understand that I love him.

 I have always been 'just' a friend, 'just' Hermione, and I am tired of it. I felt so hopeless when in my fourth year, Harry and Ron said something like, 'oh, you're a girl!!' I felt like screaming at them, 'I am a woman!!! I have feelings, desires, needs. And you just don't seem to realise that I need to be treated as a woman, not as an androgynous being, a woman!!' but I couldn't.  I just made some sarcastic comment and moved on, but I never really moved on, it burned inside me. 

They humiliated me. I was hurt. But, if I made too big a fuss about it, they would have thought I was just being weird. The only man who has ever treated me like I'm a woman, something special, something to be revered was Viktor. He was so sweet, but he wasn't the love of my life. A certain man by the name of Ronald is the love of my life.

Poor, sweet, infuriating Ron. He hated me when we first met, and I hated him. But we grew to have a mutual respect, even a friendship with each other. 

It was in our third year, when I saw him get dragged into the Whomping Willow, that I realised, I loved him. He is my other half, my soulmate. And he's too stupid to realise it. I realised as I watched him being dragged down, that if he died, my world would end. 

I am nothing without him. Nothing. But he just doesn't know it. Too ignorant, too set in his ways and too blind to see the facts. The love of his life, right before him. And he can't see it.

I am bitter, I am ignored and I feel like a Dementor, no emotions, no feelings, no **_me._** I just wish he felt like that too. But he doesn't, he always has a string of girlfriends, one after the other, never lasting longer than a month. But he just can't see me. I have waited. I have been patient. But I have waited seven years, seven years since I realised I loved him. And he has not realised he loves me.

He complains to me about feeling incomplete, about feeling out of place. That no one understands him. What do you think I do?? I do all those things because we are meant to be together. You wonder why your relationships are short-lived affairs?? It is because they are wrong. The women you date try to make you, a round peg, fit in a square hole. 

I suppose you could call me crazy, I wouldn't call myself exactly sane either. I am patient, like a tree. But even a tree's patience runs out sometime and mine just has. 

I hate you!! Ron Weasley, I hate you!!! You are the bane of my existence, and the love of my life. Why do you have to be such a contradiction?? Why do you make these feelings burn inside of me? Why? Am I not good enough?? Is it that I don't have blonde hair, blue eyes and legs up to here like all your girlfriends?? When are you going to stop reading the cover and leaving the book and start opening the book to see what's inside?? When will you scratch the surface?? When?? When will you wake up to yourself and realise you are shallow?? Superficial?? That the world doesn't revolve around you? When will you wake up to yourself and set yourself free from the boundaries you place on yourself?? When??

I scream and curse you now, I sob and cry. There is nothing to live for. 

I have realised you will never want me as a lover. I will always be a friend. And it hurts. It is gut wrenching. It burns and it freezes all at once. The pain is unimaginable. It is the Cruciatious Curse multiplied by one hundred. It is killing me, and I am letting it.

I hope that you feel this pain!!! I hope it shreds your insides!!! I hope it rips your eyes out and pulls your hair out, strand by strand!! I hope it cuts off your testicles and feeds them to you raw!!! I hope you die, but die slowly!!!

They say life is too short, but mine has been both interminably long and slow, and painfully short and brief. I have had no life. I have had study. I have had being your personal research staff and homework tutor. I have had being a Professor at Hogwarts, but I have had no life. The only time I ever really felt alive was when I was with you. But most of the time, that was just a fantasy. My fantasy, my dream.

And now, as I stand on top of the Astronomy Tower, looking out over the grounds of Hogwarts, I make my final contribution to this world. I take my wand, and with it, I engrave upon the tower's top. 'Ron Weasley, I have loved you for nearly forever, You never noticed. I will love you eternally. Hermione'.

And I look out at the lake with eyes that will never see again, I breathe the air with lungs that will never breathe again, I listen to the wind with ears that will never hear again, and I jump.

And as the darkness swallows me, know always that I love you.

Please read and review. 


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